Fifty-five

55
  can
         mean
                   55 billion 
                                         different things

But to me, this 55 represents the 55 days I have barricaded around me, blocking me from important news.
As much as I cant wait for this news a small part of me does not want it. Right now, amongst the thousands of things I don't have, I have hope and faith. But when these 55 days pass my "chance" will be gone, a decision will have been made, many people "higher" and "above" me will know what my future is before it reaches me.

A part of me wants to never learn the news or the decision-I want to hold on to this hope forever- although it comes with a price.

One of dread, fear, worry, uneasiness, lack of sleep, irrationality, and an unclear direction. All of which make it hard to breath, almost as if these emotions are sitting on top of my respiratory system filling my lungs with dirty air. But with all this at least I have hope.

Dont get me wrong, when these 55 days pass and I receive this anticipated news I will most certainly rip the results open with my beating heart, rising blood pressure and the feeling of my stomach in my throat,  but a part of me will die in this moment, no matter what the results say, my hope will be gone; if only to move on and attach itself to another journey life will most certainly present me in the near future.